This is for You, One Day

If this is still yours, I will know in the right time.

If this would still matter one day, this is for you.

I did not want to say a word back then because I knew I would not have a chance. The reason why one-sided love never works out. I kept the pieces of my shattered heart as it self-inflicted on its own, while time pass us by, I wait for time to heal it and bring it back to life. It gets crazy from keeping the feelings you wish you could convey to getting rejected in the end.

“And if you’re lucky, I mean the luckiest person on this planet – the person you love decides to love you back.”

Meeting you again, is making me restless. I mean in a good way, I could not even deny that I love seeing you even if it’s just for a while. Our meetings is the only thing I look forward to every week, even if it’s just a brief second of saying hello and goodbye. Isn’t it funny? How I could not even look at you in the eye ten or so years ago, and now look at us? I mean we haven’t exchanged a real conversation without having to say anything about your niece. But, I still feel happy that I can speak with you even if it’s just for that matter. Look at us, speaking formally like real adults. At least, I wouldn’t feel awkward because, I’m only doing my job and I can now look at you in the eye. Isn’t it crazy? I could not have imagine this moment would happen. I thought we’d see each other again in reunions or in expected places where we could nod our heads just to say hello and goodbye. To see you every week like this, would really make me fall for you all over again, inevitably. I may be just reliving a fruitless feeling from the past – but I guess I’m just good at falling in love with people I can’t have.

I’m sorry that your niece got hurt last time. I was nervous that time. I was afraid of being hated and disgusted as a teacher. I was afraid of looking at you in the eye that I wanted to cry. I cannot stand how you looked at us when you heard us say that she got scratched. I was nervous that I could cry, I thought if I failed this I would give up. But, you just asked us if she cried. We said no, and you said that it was okay. I know it was not but, it relieved me somehow. I’m sorry that I’m still lacking. I will do my best this time. Thank you as well for understanding, for glancing back to say goodbye. I couldn’t forget about your eyes and how our fingers slightly touched. I was so nervous that you might have felt how my hands were cold. But, I was happy to hear that you have already talked about me. It felt like I was one step closer to getting into your world, and I couldn’t be happier. It felt I was one step closer to getting to know you. Don’t worry when we see each other, this won’t happen again. I hope to see you again.

I hope when I read this or when we read this together I’d reminisce how I realized I still want you to look at me in a way a girl should be looked at.

 

My First Literature

I am rummaging for words to tell how I feel. I cannot seem to utter words to convey things right now. I have already lost count on how many times I have wrote words and ended up erasing it leaving nothing but empty screen.

I have already forgotten what I wrote about you when we were just first year high school. I remember writing fantasies of you looking at me – maybe even the fantasy of liking me. I remember I have this pink notebook I have written things about you, remembering it makes me cringe and want to push myself down to the depths of the world.

I guess we will never know what that pink notebook contains anymore but, I remember how I wrote about you – everyday. Nonstop. I remembered people were talking about it because, I forgot that notebook in the classroom and I guess people have read it. I don’t know if you have read it. I believe you did. I am sorry. I was a hopeless romantic. I guess you know that already.

You were my first Literature. I wrote poems about you that I have already forgotten. Did I really? I guess, I did. You were the first person I wrote about. I remember buying a lot of stationery notebooks just to fill it about you. We never spoke to each other. We never seen each other eye to eye. I guess you never even know that I exist.

And then, suddenly like a twist of fate after ten years including our high school years of not talking. We’ve found each other in an unexpected place. I guess. I believe so. Maybe not, because you live there and I was just a complete stranger working her ass off.

I am taking this as a miracle, a twist of fate, an unexpected turn of events as I have never expected us to meet again. I am now the teacher of your – I don’t know niece, sister, daughter? That would be funny if she was really your daughter. I would not expect anything anymore but, she called you ‘Kuya’ and that changed all.

It was a funny encounter, seriously, J.A. Funny, short and I hope I can see you again.

After ten long years of not speaking to each other. All I could say was ‘Hi,’ and it was like a metaphor for everything I have for you. Hi, first crush I have admired from a far – for so long. Hi, first Literature of my life. Hi, for all the things I have longed to tell you. Hi, we meet again. Hi, I hope this won’t be goodbye.

Then, there’s another thing. ‘She was crying because, she wanted to go home already.’ I was talking about my student, your I don’t know. I did not want to add any meanings to that but, I guess it’s someone talking from another life. How weird is that to talk to someone who you have never spoke with for ten years just suddenly walks in to your life again and your first words were “Hi, she was crying because she wanted to home already.”

We were both finding words to tell we know each other. I can tell that you know me, and I am sure as hell cannot say that I know you. Immediately. I cannot let you know how excited I was feeling just from seeing you eye to eye. But we’re in different worlds right now. You’re a guardian of my student, and I’m the teacher of your relative. Sounds plot bunny to me. I guess I’ll have to make you my Literature again?

I don’t really know what to say, I guess I’m just happy to see you.

I’m Teaching

In the past, I was so unsure of what I wanted to do my life, I remember giving everything up – from my dream of teaching Literature to the extent of abandoning my sense of achievement, and becoming happy.

I was so insecure that I couldn’t even realize my own abilities. I remember being envious to my classmate, and friends. It felt like I was being pushed away. It felt like I was being left behind, but more like being abandoned.

But, when I have had the courage to apply for a job and got accepted I realized that the job wasn’t for me. It was not the job that I would consider to become my career. It felt hard waking up in the morning, and it felt suffocating going to work.

I remember that one time when I cried inside the train, it was not because of the woman who shouted at me. I didn’t really gave a damn. I already gave up on her the moment she rolled her eyes on me. It is not because it was hot inside the train or people were bumping you just to get it in. I cried because I remember how much time I have wasted just to get on that train, how much time I wasted just from getting to the platform, and how much time I have wasted contemplating if I should still go to work or not.

I remember someone told me that I’m still young I can still find the perfect job, the perfect career. I just have to remember to choose the battles to fight because you’ll realize one day you’ll have to wake up every day fighting for the wrong battles and you’ll just have to deal with it. And it hit me. That’s when I realized that I cannot stay for anything less.

When I realized that I was already wasting too much of my time contemplating things like will it work or not? Will I be good enough or not? I remember asking myself from time to time. Do I really want this? Do I really want to teach? Is this really what I want? I remember shaking my head and decided whatever happens, I will be okay. This too shall pass, I can find another job. I can find another school.

Let’s not talk about the school or my experience for now. Let me talk about how I realized I really wanted to teach. It felt like I was in m zone. It felt like I was home. I guess, that’s a little too much to say but, it felt like I didn’t feel anything. I did not feel I was tired, hungry, or scared anymore.

I remember this one encounter – she’s a little girl who always vomit milk. Nobody could stop her cry, but I did. Seriously. I did not even expect that I would make her stop from crying. People appreciated it, and I did too. That’s when I realized that I can do this for years but, I also realized that I can teach Literature now. I can pursue our dream to build a school. I can pursue everything now. It gave me hope, as a person. It gave me back my dreams. It also provoke me, as a teacher.

I have only been in this field for three months and it felt satisfying that children talks about you more than their real teacher. I have two classes and assist one class. Children would remember my name but, not their teacher’s. Maybe my name’s just easier to say than their teacher’s. Inside the classroom they would say their teacher’s name a hundred times but, they would tell my name to their parents.

I want to be that kind of teacher. I want children to remember as someone who listens to them when they talk. Someone who can be serious and funny at the same time. Someone who can be strict and who’s approachable.

These are the little things I have appreciated ever since teaching. I guess I was only scared of taking the chance – taking the risk. I guess I can be a teacher. I guess I can teach peace.

WRITING CHALLENGE

I’ll challenge myself with this little writing challenge so I won’t have the time to laze around and, to make myself more motivated to do something. I may or may not find a substantial material while doing this, I don’t know.

  1. Write a Short Autobiography – February 02, 2017
  2. Write a Fanfiction
  3. Review a Movie/Book/Anything – June 27, 2017
  4. Rant about Anything
  5. Write a Letter to Anybody
  6. Write about your Feelings for Someone – June 25, 2017
  7. Write a Short Poem  – July 1, 2017
  8. Write about Anything You Want
  9. Write a Love Story
  10. Write a Letter to your Future Self
  11. Write about Anything that’s Currently on your Mind
  12. Short Story
  13. Write about something you absolutely love
  14. Write about anything you want