This is for You, One Day

If this is still yours, I will know in the right time.

If this would still matter one day, this is for you.

I did not want to say a word back then because I knew I would not have a chance. The reason why one-sided love never works out. I kept the pieces of my shattered heart as it self-inflicted on its own, while time pass us by, I wait for time to heal it and bring it back to life. It gets crazy from keeping the feelings you wish you could convey to getting rejected in the end.

“And if you’re lucky, I mean the luckiest person on this planet – the person you love decides to love you back.”

Meeting you again, is making me restless. I mean in a good way, I could not even deny that I love seeing you even if it’s just for a while. Our meetings is the only thing I look forward to every week, even if it’s just a brief second of saying hello and goodbye. Isn’t it funny? How I could not even look at you in the eye ten or so years ago, and now look at us? I mean we haven’t exchanged a real conversation without having to say anything about your niece. But, I still feel happy that I can speak with you even if it’s just for that matter. Look at us, speaking formally like real adults. At least, I wouldn’t feel awkward because, I’m only doing my job and I can now look at you in the eye. Isn’t it crazy? I could not have imagine this moment would happen. I thought we’d see each other again in reunions or in expected places where we could nod our heads just to say hello and goodbye. To see you every week like this, would really make me fall for you all over again, inevitably. I may be just reliving a fruitless feeling from the past – but I guess I’m just good at falling in love with people I can’t have.

I’m sorry that your niece got hurt last time. I was nervous that time. I was afraid of being hated and disgusted as a teacher. I was afraid of looking at you in the eye that I wanted to cry. I cannot stand how you looked at us when you heard us say that she got scratched. I was nervous that I could cry, I thought if I failed this I would give up. But, you just asked us if she cried. We said no, and you said that it was okay. I know it was not but, it relieved me somehow. I’m sorry that I’m still lacking. I will do my best this time. Thank you as well for understanding, for glancing back to say goodbye. I couldn’t forget about your eyes and how our fingers slightly touched. I was so nervous that you might have felt how my hands were cold. But, I was happy to hear that you have already talked about me. It felt like I was one step closer to getting into your world, and I couldn’t be happier. It felt I was one step closer to getting to know you. Don’t worry when we see each other, this won’t happen again. I hope to see you again.

I hope when I read this or when we read this together I’d reminisce how I realized I still want you to look at me in a way a girl should be looked at.

 

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