In the past, I was so unsure of what I wanted to do my life, I remember giving everything up – from my dream of teaching Literature to the extent of abandoning my sense of achievement, and becoming happy.
I was so insecure that I couldn’t even realize my own abilities. I remember being envious to my classmate, and friends. It felt like I was being pushed away. It felt like I was being left behind, but more like being abandoned.
But, when I have had the courage to apply for a job and got accepted I realized that the job wasn’t for me. It was not the job that I would consider to become my career. It felt hard waking up in the morning, and it felt suffocating going to work.
I remember that one time when I cried inside the train, it was not because of the woman who shouted at me. I didn’t really gave a damn. I already gave up on her the moment she rolled her eyes on me. It is not because it was hot inside the train or people were bumping you just to get it in. I cried because I remember how much time I have wasted just to get on that train, how much time I wasted just from getting to the platform, and how much time I have wasted contemplating if I should still go to work or not.
I remember someone told me that I’m still young I can still find the perfect job, the perfect career. I just have to remember to choose the battles to fight because you’ll realize one day you’ll have to wake up every day fighting for the wrong battles and you’ll just have to deal with it. And it hit me. That’s when I realized that I cannot stay for anything less.
When I realized that I was already wasting too much of my time contemplating things like will it work or not? Will I be good enough or not? I remember asking myself from time to time. Do I really want this? Do I really want to teach? Is this really what I want? I remember shaking my head and decided whatever happens, I will be okay. This too shall pass, I can find another job. I can find another school.
Let’s not talk about the school or my experience for now. Let me talk about how I realized I really wanted to teach. It felt like I was in m zone. It felt like I was home. I guess, that’s a little too much to say but, it felt like I didn’t feel anything. I did not feel I was tired, hungry, or scared anymore.
I remember this one encounter – she’s a little girl who always vomit milk. Nobody could stop her cry, but I did. Seriously. I did not even expect that I would make her stop from crying. People appreciated it, and I did too. That’s when I realized that I can do this for years but, I also realized that I can teach Literature now. I can pursue our dream to build a school. I can pursue everything now. It gave me hope, as a person. It gave me back my dreams. It also provoke me, as a teacher.
I have only been in this field for three months and it felt satisfying that children talks about you more than their real teacher. I have two classes and assist one class. Children would remember my name but, not their teacher’s. Maybe my name’s just easier to say than their teacher’s. Inside the classroom they would say their teacher’s name a hundred times but, they would tell my name to their parents.
I want to be that kind of teacher. I want children to remember as someone who listens to them when they talk. Someone who can be serious and funny at the same time. Someone who can be strict and who’s approachable.
These are the little things I have appreciated ever since teaching. I guess I was only scared of taking the chance – taking the risk. I guess I can be a teacher. I guess I can teach peace.